It’s funny to me that people who know me and know I am very well versed in the area of abuse, try to abuse me. In fact, the more versed I am on abuse, the more abusive they get. It’s almost as if I am a natural threat to them.
But, you see. You can’t abuse me. You might exasperate me–though less and less anymore. You can waste my time. But you can’t abuse me.
Well, I mean, you can. But you cannot psychologically abuse me. You can try. You can try to shame, mock, and humiliate me. But it has no effect. I’m onto it. You can roll up your sleeves and punch me in the eye. But at least we made what is going on far more out in the open.
I’ve had countless try to abuse me–over my writings on abuse itself. For instance I write about abuse strongly here at Ex Objectivist. And I write that Ayn Rand’s Objectivism is abusive. I had someone “thank” me for bringing Objectivism to light for them. After all of my writing about Objectivism, they were now interested in Ayn Rand. You see, I know this person is abusive. Because I’ve seen them in action. They were telling me, “You are passionately against Objectivism. But in your writing, I am going to go check out Objectivism.” They were triangulating me. And I could give many more examples of abuse from this person, but this would identify them too well. So, in their interest, for anonymity, I won’t.
I think the biggest abusive tactic you can be aware of to protect your inner soul from damage is triangulation. Triangulation is when someone brings a third party to the table to abuse you. The classic example is a man (1) who uses a new woman (2) to make his ex (3) jealous. The new woman is brought into the relationship entirely to hurt the ex. It has nothing to do with his joy. As soon as you’re onto it, it can’t penetrate you. People look weak and pathetic to me when they do this. And don’t get jealous of the new woman, either. He will soon do this to her. She’s a dish rag to him.
This can play out in a million ways. The person who said they were going to trot off and learn about Objectivism was triangulating me with Ayn Rand. I’ve had many Objectivists triangulate me with Ayn Rand. And, bros. I’m not jealous of Ayn Rand. Nor the fact that I can’t break you from her vortex.
Another one that is otherwise extremely psychologically abusive is triangulating the fear of death. In this, a person says to someone dependent on another, “What would you do if THEY die?” They (1) threatened you (2) with the threat of someone you are dependent on (3) dying. People who do this are the scum of the universe.
There are other forms of abuse. I outline them in Towards Liberalism: A Challenge to Objectivist Ethics. I call for a moral paradigm in which we see these things, such as triangulation, as morally wrong. And people do follow their own moral guide. Make these abusive tactics immoral and watch massive cultural change.
The Paradox of the Abusive
I have to wonder why abusive people can watch me write so strongly about abuse and then think their abuse will have any effect. Why, for instance, when they have read my book or an article of mine explaining the abuse of triangulation, do they even think to try to triangulate me? And yet they do. Over and over.
You see, abuse is a memory disorder. Sam Vaknin spoke about it in a speech once (of which would take me forever to find but it was on his youtube channel). They live in their own world. The world out there was likely so traumatic for them as children that they learned to filter out 80-90% of reality. Vaknin says it can get so bad that they can watch a ball go into the hole but not remember they swung the golf club. I think this is why Rand appeals to the potentially abusive so well. They lived in such a fog growing up, being holed up in their own world, because of a toxic environment. They have no real good experience in the real world, successfully making anything happen or feeling any joy. Rand’s very forceful writing can go in and grab a person like this. But. You now have people who, by nature, filter out 80-90% of reality, who are now flattered that they are the purveyors of truth itself.
So, anyway, this is why me writing about abuse has no effect on them. They aren’t hearing anything I say. They hear “bla, bla, bla.” They are constantly judging (belittling, more like) everything around them. Objectivists constantly accuse me of “rambling.” I’m not. I do very popular child development research and people tell me “it’s so bloody accurate it’s scary.” I am capable of writing cogently. Their accusations of rambling are, of course, abuse. I am convinced that when it comes to emotions, narcissists and psychopaths hear ‘bla, bla, bla.’ It’s on you, dudes. Not me.
So, there is no penetrating the abusive mindset. I propose that something has to be at stake for them to change. Even then, they might just go into darkness and figure out, not how to be a better person, but how to be yet more conniving next time. But, there is little changing them. You can explain and explain abuse, and they’ll never get it. They will, like a shark chasing blood, always tend towards abuse. At some point, you start to see them as a bit dumb.
But what I can do is get to victims. I can train them to be on to the predator’s (the abuser’s) tactics. I can strengthen them and help them see through the BS. Don’t fall for their guilt trips, attempt to evoke pity, flattering you for your “expertise.” And definitely don’t be intimidated by their insults, belittling, or triangulation.
I now also point out when abusers can’t stop themselves from abusing. If I point out they are belittling me and they belittle further, I point out that I just pointed out that this was abuse and they can’t stop themselves, like a shark seeing blood. Send people this article, too.
If you read the story of evolution, it reads as one species becoming more predatory than the last. It starts as cells just dividing and moves on to animals that eat others, to animals that are really good at eating others, etc. Humans themselves won out as a hominid because we scared other hominids at eating sources. We eliminated an entire species.
Abusers are predators. They are an entirely different type of human–I argue changing the very core brain functions of people that end up winning in the race of evolution. Currently, they are winning. Our world is run by narcissists and psychopaths. They are charming and adept at working with current cultural norms to advance themselves and smear others. And we, naive, usually playful non-psychopathic humans, are totally vulnerable to it.
I am proposing we adapt, too. Like an octopus that can throw ink at a predator or a poison dart frog that kills whoever handles it, we develop strong defense mechanisms. Understand abuse–and you can’t be abused. Go cold to these predators. They quite need us. Make their tactics ineffective and their existence not desired.
Please share this article with anyone dealing with abuse!